The Brown Noser

Veteran Kept Awake At Night By Awesome War Memories

Reporters on the scene say that a local veteran has been losing sleep over his awesome war memories. “Every night, my mind brings me back to those trenches. I close my eyes and suddenly, I’m back out there on the front,” said Private William Gunderson, rubbing his eyes after another sleepless night of fond reminiscing.

Humanities Professor Really Excited To Hold Space

Visual Arts Professor Anna Marinson is excited to get back to campus so she can continue holding space in her 12-person Feminist Furniture-Making seminar. “Honestly, there’s nothing I love more than deconstructing liminal paradigms from a postmodernist perspective,” said Marinson, pacing Lacanianly around her Page-Rob classroom.

Annoying Psionic Kid Probably Gonna Trap You In Mind Prison For One Million Years At Lunch Again

Recent reports from the middle school lunchroom indicate that the annoying psionic kid is probably going to trap you in mind prison for a million years again. “Yesterday at lunch, Luke forced me to experience one million years trapped inside my own mind in the space of an instant.

Sorority Rush No Match For Ultimate Frisbee Tryouts

In a shocking turn of events, sorority recruitment is shaping up to be absolutely no match for the hardcore ultimate frisbee tryouts. “I figured I could both rush a sorority and try out for ultimate frisbee, but ultimate frisbee has crushed my spirit,” said Lily Smith ’29, whose white dress was splattered with the muddy slush of the frisbee fields.

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Sunset Enjoyed With Acquaintance

While walking over to their cars to leave work, work colleagues Mateo and Lara, entranced by a sunset, decided to enjoy the phenomenon together. “Obviously, this wasn’t planned. I don’t even know Mateo that well, I would never think of inviting him to watch the sunset.

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Winter Break Mostly Spent Workshopping Werner Herzog Impression

Recent reports on Paul Goggins ’27 indicate that he spent the majority of his winter break workshopping his impression of German filmmaker Werner Herzog. “Do you not then hear zis horrible scream all around you zat people usually call silence?” asked Goggins, quoting Herzog in his signature German drawl, before going back to his American accent.

Student Studying Abroad Engages In Local Culture By Hanging Out With Exact Same Friend Group From School

This semester, study abroad student Lillian Haley ’27 is immersing herself in local Spanish culture by hanging out with the exact same friend group that she had on campus. “I really feel like I’m getting the full Spanish experience here, what with all of the vibrant people I’m spending time with, not to mention the authentic cuisine,” Haley said while sipping a pistachio latte from Starbucks.

Little Library Box Has Soggy Copy Of Hungry Caterpillar And That’s It

Reports indicate that several months after the Thompson family put up a mailbox-sized library for their fellow neighbors, the only book that remains is a weathered children’s book, The Very Hungry Caterpillar. “We set up this Little Library as a way to expand book access in our community,” said Rob Thompson, who was unaware that all the good books were taken quickly, leaving only the picture book disintegrating due to the poorly crafted door being perpetually ajar.

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Heimlich Rookie Just Beating Guy Up

It was reported earlier today that a Heimlich new-timer was just beating the shit out of a choking guy. “Live, damn it, live!” said long-time bystander, first-time intervener Erica Nampa as she landed jab after jab against her choking opponent.

Boring Nosebleed Caused By Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia Instead Of Super Powers

In a disappointing turn of events, the nosebleed just experienced by local 12-year-old Victor Atkinson is the result of a genetic blood vessel disorder rather than superpowers. “I’m pretty sure I have psychic powers because every time I think about moving something with my mind, my nose bleeds,” said Victor, who had a more or less continuous stream of blood emanating from his nose.

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