Partly Cloudy, 64°
According to support staff at Paws That Heal, veterinarian Eddy Grange is just gonna treat this bird like it’s a dog and cross his fingers.
“Bum wing eh? Hmmmmm. Ok, well, wings are kinda like a birds front legs, right? And the beak is like the nose. Hmmmmm. I’m gonna give it deworming medicine and stay optimistic,” said Grange under his breath as he fumbled around for even a single anatomical or biologically-founded reason for treating this Macaw the same way he’d treat a Great Dane. “Wait, fuck, but some birds like worms, I think.”
“Alright, well, they both have tails. Let’s go from there. Could be a tail disease. I’ll just put a cone on its head and throw a penny in a fountain,” added Grange to himself as he began rifling through his medical supplies in search of a cone that could fit a bird in order to execute his incredibly flawed application of canine veterinary practices on a 10-year-old parrot. “But does it even count as a tail if it’s made of feathers? Is that, like, a totally different thing?”
“Can you spay and neuter these things? I know we do that to most of the animals that pass through here. Alright, yeah, I’m just gonna spay and neuter this bird and pray to God its wing heals up in the meantime,” concluded Grange, unsure how to even tell whether the bird is a male or female or what sort of situation they have going on down there. “Or wait, fuck. Does that even do anything? Is spaying in birds just taking the eggs and eating them? Is that why we eat eggs?”
At press time, Best Buy employee just gonna treat your smart fridge like it’s an iPod Nano and hope for the best.
